When consumed by my own energy sapping and deflating thoughts, I believed nobody else in my life struggled. I was alone in this. You all enjoyed life, had many things to look forward to with friends and family, while I was dying on the inside. Nobody would understand my pain. People would question why I was in such a state when I had nothing to be down about. Maybe they would think I was selfish or full of drama, seeking attention. Oh, that reminds me. Once I had revealed about my struggles, a friend felt I was doing it for attention. Needless to say I distanced myself from that person and does who I feel don't make a more positive impact on my life.

Even when this was happening around me. Even though I felt great shock and sadness. Even though I could see the pain and devastation this was having to their loved ones. I still wanted to end my struggles, my suffering. I wanted to die.

But and this is a big BUT. I do not have suicidal thoughts anymore. I do not see suicide as an option on the table. I have created tools and actions steps which allow me to perform my way through my mental health struggles. I am now performing very well in my personal life, my professional life and life in general.

I drive myself forward. Finding those things in both personal and professional life which are meaningful and give me a beautiful purpose. Even though I have steered myself to work at things I am passionate about, I tend to stand in my own way. Self doubt, and lack of confidence cripple me. I wrote my book 'The Other Side', in 3 months, but due to self doubt, it took me 2 years to find the courage to publish it. BUT, I got there.

I can find myself having days of lost focus, mainly due to a lack of belief in what I am doing and the process I have developed for myself. I can lose hope because of the simplest thought. BUT I now know how to refocus and get back on my path. I revisit my list of top 5 values and use them as my guide to refocus and reassure myself. Then, I continue stepping forward.

So after struggling alone, hiding my true self behind my mask for over 21 years, since I was 15 years old, I finally had my AHA moment (as I call it). I realised I had to take some responsibility or as I term it, I had to 'Win from Within'. At this stage I had talked, people knew, I was at counselling but I had felt something was still missing, even though all the steps I had taken were definitely helping. That something was me. I was not fully invested, committed or to be truly honest, believing that things could change. That is until that AHA moment. That turning point pushed me to be more active in my process. I started to take some responsibility to help myself and find tools and steps which suited me and my situation.

I came to realise that accepting my situation and accepting myself with all my baggage

was the key. I had to change my way of thinking and turn my attention to acceptance,

rather than the so-called comfort zone of denial. If I keep denying it, which essentially is fighting it, everything feels like a battle; hard to get out of bed, hard to stay alert, hard to

work and hard to relax. The great thing here is I realised I have a choice. Either continue as I was or accept in my entirety and in turn be open to change. Now, I was ready to help myself.

I wouldn't be in the position I am today, if it were not for the fact I talked and opened up about my struggles. Okay, yeah, it took me 21 years, but I can honestly say, better late than never. This support gave me the elevation and space inside my head to explore and find other options which could help me, namely myself. I was able to see what was out there to help me and people in my situation and then gain the confidence to create tools of my own, which suited me and helped me to find my new path. I came to realise that this was my struggle and so I could go off book, put down the all too generic guidelines and build my very own tools and supports.

I want you to find the hope to help yourself and to make the changes needed to move yourself onto your new path. We tend to overcomplicate mental health, which is something I want to change. We overcomplicate processes to help those of use struggling, when quite often what can be done to help those are simple actions. I want you to make your mental health your own and have a plan with tools and actions at your disposal which you use each and everyday. Looking after your physical health, takes you having certain good habits. Well, guess what, mental health is just exactly the same. I want to make your changes simple, practical, logical and sustainable, for each and every single one of you.

Neil Kelders's Win From Within is your life-long partner in well-being. Enjoy these creative sessions, helping you to perform your way out of your rut.

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