I notice it every day, some of you probably do too. The ordinary, everyday person, making their way in the world. Each day making their way to work, putting in a hard shift before leaving for the evening. These people know what they have to do, know where they are going and where they want to end up. Or do they? Well, I used think so! This was one of the contributing factors to my lows; why am I so different?
It may seem an odd assumption to make (these people know their destination in life) just noticing people each morning on their way to work. The mind or my mind is a strange place at times! Why do I notice this? Why do I notice these people and make such an assumption, well it’s very simple; Because I am going the opposite way……….the wrong direction!
Why don’t I know?
It’s a question I still can’t answer. I don’t know why I always seem to be going in the wrong direction. Maybe it’s because I have never really known what direction I wanted to take, or where I see my life ending up. Can you? This ‘not knowing’ can be daunting, frustrating, deflating and ………. definitely confidence sapping. You feel, I know I have, you are being left behind, not moving or going with the flow, not reaching the same markers as your peers; college, job, marriage, kids, promotion (college being the only box I can tick……again and again) . I am wasting my life! Confidence even lower! I am judging myself against the so-called norms of society.
I have always had this feeling of being left behind, being out of my depth, even if that has not been the case. From primary school, not having the confidence to answer the Maths problem posed by the teacher (surely ‘I’ can’t be right) to sports, always doubting myself, never going into a game confident, In sport as in life this leads to an uphill battle from the get-go, something you should never allow happen in either sport or in life. Always feeling like a fraud, knowing I will be found out. ‘I shouldn’t be on this team’, ‘honours Maths, give over, twat’ , ‘Law , you, you’re in here studying law, look at these people, you DO NOT BELONG HERE’…you fool’. I was always beaten before I started…………beaten by myself.
This thought process allowed me plummet to new lows, in turn leading me to throw in the towel in work, play and life…… on many occasions. Even when goals were set, they became redundant, will I move in this direction? or maybe that direction?no, no this direction?! ,so unsure, no clear future. The wrong direction.
Today, mmm I suppose I am still a little lost, still lack some confidence at times especially when trying to push new projects or develop new ideas. Will I ever gain it? Will I ever succeed? Are my goals right for me or a step too far? Or will I be lost in this revolving door of ‘my’ life? All questions, all unanswered.
On a nostalgic visit home to Killarney, Co. Kerry, Ireland recently, I was able to evaluate my present position in my life’s journey. (Reconnecting) . While walking from my childhood home to town centre early one morning, a road I have travelled on many occasions from childhood to adulthood, I noticed construction workers setting up for their work day (in the shop which we knew as Hickeys). Then I recalled a conversation the night before with a close friend. ‘hickey’s is being torn down to make way for a new shop’.
Just to fill you in – You must realise, this shop (hickey’s) was very much part of our childhood. The shop, you scurried along to once you begged, borrowed and scraped all the loose change from your parents car, under the couch in your neglected piggy bank. After an exhausting day playing soldiers or re-enacting the World Cup, you approached the counter of the shop armed with a can of coke or score cola, crisps, a chomp bar, a fat frog, ‘oh wait’ there’s change, mmm I don’t do this having change thing’ and so any left-over money was used to get the good old 5p refresher sweets or a wham bar. Now this shop was going and would be very much apart of my past…….like my childhood, like my years in Killarney.
However, this visit home allowed me to reconnect with my past, allowed me wander down memory lane, it was refreshing.Just what the doctor ordered. Revisiting my past and reconnecting with my life before, enabled me to once again become aware of my reasons for moving to Dublin, assess my present position and focus on my current goals, all allowing me to see if I am going in MY right direction (for now), or as some might say am I moving in the ‘wrong’ direction. This reconnection allowed me to believe in myself again, gain strength and confidence. Once again I see my meandering, undulating and pothole ridden direction. Phew!
Not one direction
I am where I am! Simple as! I am where I am because of the choices I MADE FOR ME. I know I don’t want to move in just one direction, I want to explore other directions, other possibilities. Yeah, maybe I don’t exactly know which direction I will take or where I will end up, but I do know the ONE direction I DO NOT want to take. I may be travelling a path very different from the norm, but isn’t that what life is about.
Anyways who says there is only one direction!