Shut up! Look at you, bloody trying to bother other people with your problems. Just deal with it ALONE like everyone else. These are the thoughts that went through my head over the last two weeks. AND I LISTENED. I listened to those negative thoughts, those parasites.
Here I am writing a blog, my life story with depression and I make the number one mistake, a fundamental error. I didn’t share, I didn’t confide , I didn’t voice my struggles. Even when I have actively promoted talking and sharing, even when it is common knowledge that sharing or talking is the top tip for coping with depression (google it – ‘top tips for coping with depression’), even when I know sharing will bring me around, expedite the change back to my true self, even knowing when I have shared on previous occasions and felt that weight lifted from my shoulders, but now, this time, I didn’t do it. I listened, I listened to those negative thoughts, those parasites.
Listen to parasites and suffer the consequences
The consequence of listening to those parasites (negative thoughts) was a more prolonged depressive state. How long? Nearly two long weeks of a constant low, battle after battle, the want to be away, alone, a need to be ‘out of sight, out of mind’. No real explanation for it, just BANG!!!! I trudged from battle to battle, stumbled day onto day, the thoughts becoming more negative, more frequent and then I find myself listening intently to those parasites ,believing each thought. What future have you? You just don’t fit in! You are different! Things will never change!
One time sharing ONLY!
I am still very much learning how to manage my depression. I have people willing to listen, people who really care and NO! Neil, just because you have shared with them on a previous occasion does not mean you can’t share again.There was no need to go through this alone, none whatsoever. Not sharing was bloody stupid, everything would have been a whole lot easier, if I had just opened my mouth (usually I have no problem doing that). In my ‘weak’ defence, when you are low, when you are battling, everything is 100 times more difficult. You feel (well I do), like a character in a computer game, the one when the joystick is stuck, walks into a wall again and again and again, but instead of staying in the same spot, the wall, as you continuously walk into it, head first by the way, is pushing you backwards, pushing you back towards a black hole. It feels like what can go against you does, plus a whole lot more.
IS there learning
Hell yeah! If I don’t learn, I don’t live a full life, I don’t live my life my way. Sure isn’t that how life is meant to be lived; your way!I continued to sleep well, the quality of my sleep is much better, but during this period I was shattered. I continued to eat relatively healthily, cook and prepare dinners (recipes coming soon) for the week.
Work was done, but no great achievements , training completed but no real progression, evening classes attended but with minimum engagement and appearances at social events but time spent cut short. It would have been very difficult for one to realise what I was experiencing, the suffering behind the mask during those two weeks.
There a lot of positives to be taken from my recent prolonged bout. I was able to continue my daily routines, be out amongst the masses. I was able to alter plans to suit my mood, I limited my alcohol intake on my one night out, I went home early, after evening events I made a bee line for home to rest. I changed my routine to meet the demands of my battle, this ensured I could ride out the storm. There is more learning and more work to do, but I feel I am on the right path.
Next time I will share, but as a friend recently said to me ‘it will take time to change a habit of a lifetime , the habit of going it alone, not talking’. I am very confident I can change it for the better and ignore those negative thoughts, stop listening and annihilate those parasites.