Dead man walking…………………dead inside , not belonging, the inevitable was near ;the end; it felt good, it felt right.
I no longer shared Shakespeare’s Hamlets (I am currently learning this soliloquy for acting) turmoil; To be or not to be……..that is the question………. Decision made. The time is now!!
So, why did you decide not to?, I mean, what changed your mind? How did you know you wanted to live? ………. some questions I have met since first publishing this blog (please keep asking, it is the only way we can become more aware and informed, we need to learn from each others experiences)
The short, I didn’t. I didn’t know, as far as I was concerned, there was NOTHING MORE to know, NOTHING, no more time for indecision, no more turmoil……. just the little matter of when!
Then, something unexpected happened, it wasn’t my decision anymore. Other people now noticed, others acted IMMEDIATELY….others decided.
THESE ‘OTHERS’ SAVED MY LIFE!
A morning in April ’14, a few weeks after the video, TIME TO CLOSE MY EYES TO THE WORLD, someone else noticed my suffering. Chatting to my sister-in-law in her house (I find it hard to recall how exactly it happened), light conversation; family, work and all the rest: suddenly the realisation that I’m rambling , I find myself talking about my situation, where my head has been, where my life was going or NOT going. No holding back, full disclosure ……..‘I can’t do this anymore, I can’t go on, I just don’t WANT to be anymore, I want quiet, I want peace…….I need rest.
I try to explain to my sister-in-law this strong want to go, to not suffer anymore , I want to be free………..
‘…….you know how much the kids (my nieces and nephews) mean to me; how I would do anything for them; love hanging out and spending time with them; they mean the world to me, they have been my safety , given me an inner peace on days and I have struggled. (Hang out with them and you can lose yourself, you can block those negative thoughts, you can hide from the outside world, the threats, the complications…..the pain.)
……..‘Even though this love is strong, a smile appears when I think of the joy they bring our family; even though I want to protect them as I do all my family, never wanting to see them hurt and when I am no more; this will never be possible again. and even though my being no more means that life as my family know it will change forever, never again having a need to call out my name, to share a secret, to wonder how my day is going, to be excited when I visit; even though my actions will destroy my family;my nieces, my nephews.
Even though……………… I could go on forever, there are so many, an endless list…..but knowing all of this, knowing I will be forever be an absent figure from everything family…………I HAVE to go…the longing to be free, the want for peace , a peace that can only come with the ending of my life, this is all I want now. I WANT TO LEAVE THIS WORLD BEHIND, and yes, even when that means leaving you all: my family.
Holy shit!!!! I don’t know how my sister-in-law stayed so strong. I mean, it’s the morning time, you are chatting to family then BANG!, the bombshell………..I can’t go on, I want to die. How does one react, address , support and even cope on hearing this broken silence; exposing the ultimate, a wish to die, telling you something one can never even contemplate, something unimaginable. (but I will tell you STRAIGHT, I can guarantee you THAT ANY FAMILY MEMBER , FRIEND, ACQUAINTANCE, COLLEAGUE, TEACHER , EVEN PERSON ON THE STREET, would rather hear these words than not hear them and would rather deal with all the emotions flowing from these words rather than one day wake up and find you gone, never to return)
That morning was the first time I talked, really talked , hiding nothing, no holding back. That day in April, the day I was noticed , was the day (looking back on it now) that changed my life. I was lucky I broke my silence to my sister-in-law, that I felt comfortable to disclose all , to open the 21 year old pressure valve. To this person I will be forever grateful, the importance of that morning can’t be highlighted enough, that was the day I survived.. You saved my life
The support did not stop at listening, I didn’t want any more involvement that day,had I not done enough today, spilled my heart and head. Listen up! There are times when we don’t know what is best for us , these are the situations when a person needs to go with gut instinct and so ………………the next thing I know my brother has left work immediately and arrived. This I found particularly hard. My older brother , someone I looked up to, I didn’t want him to know, I didn’t want to show weakness, I didn’t want or need words or advice right now……..I shouldn’t have worried ;I didn’t get it…….no words, no advice , what I got is something I will never forget; a hug. My brother just held me, I don’t know if I cried but it was certainly the closest I have come. It was perfect response from him, no words, no advice, just the hug. I’m not much of a hugger but the relief it gave, the weight it released was immense…
Little did I know, depressions 21 years of a stranglehold was beginning to unravel.