It Gets Harder Every Fucking Day and I don’t Know How Long I Can Handle It!

7.30am sitting in the kitchen in the dark. My head is spinning, I can’t relax, the walls are caving in on me, my thoughts are rapid, negativity consumes me , ‘It Gets Harder Every Fucking Day and I don’t Know How Long I Can Handle It!’

AnxietyACT NOW

I have to act now. I know this feeling, less frequent these days, but still overwhelming. Everything gets on top of me, I mean EVERYTHING. My beard, I haven’t shaven my head in 3 days, work next week, prepare work for next week, meet people before I leave and on and on and on…..Okay!! get out , get up and out of the house, change the setting, go NOW!!!

Into the bathroom and shave, shave it all, head and beard, okay that’s done. Still feeling anxious. Okay I’m outta here, load the gym bag and take the laptop. Two options or both – gym (but today is my rest day) and write. Writing about this mornings anxiety will start my calming process and hopefully I can claw back the day (usually this would sink me and my day would be a wipe-out)

I head for the café to write, getting my thoughts quickly on paper. Sitting in the café breathing and focusing, Okay I’m more relaxed and starting to calm. My thoughts are more clear, calm and more importantly logical. NO! IT DOES NOT GET HARDER EVERY FUCKING DAY and YES I KNOW I CAN HANDLE IT. Now time to type todays experience, it’s 11.20am.

WHY SO ANXIOUS?

Well to be honest I had a very poor nights sleep. I was awake from 3am , so getting under 4 hours sleep (probably not a deep sleep), starts my anxiety. I lay there, physically and mentally tired, not wanting to get up or to read or to work, I want to sleep…so much… but it’s not happening. My head starts spinning with thoughts, all the tasks I have to do before heading back to Dublin, I’ve started to think about  work next week, about the promises I have made to myself to progress in 2015. It all gets too much and bang – It Gets Harder Every Fucking Day and I don’t Know How Long I Can Handle It! – I’m gone..

YES I KNOW I CAN HANDLE IT

It’s four hours later and calmness is restored. In previous months I would be so worked up and so far gone that my day would be lost, probably in bed not sleeping, not resting but recycling thought after thought, sapping every last ounce of energy, hoping it would not feed into tomorrow.

Now , now I am more in tune, through trial and error, having gone through with many of these similar experiences,  I now know the steps I need to take to bring me back, to win back my day.

  1. Change my setting – got out of the house
  2. Time to myself – I need some alone time to get through the process
  3. Write about todays experience – get in on paper and your brain thinks you have addressed the situation.
  4. Think clearly about why I became so anxious
  5. Keep physically active – even though my its my rest day from training , I will do some light exercise.

……………………….and I’m back.

So in the space of a few hours, from a point where the world was against me, my day was lost and maybe my weekend, I am now calmer , trying to be more active and able to complete this post (which is not the post I had scheduled for today but I felt it was important to highlight this mornings experience) to show how quickly I became both physically and mentally consumed by anxiety and more importantly show how I managed the situation and dealt with the crisis.

Anxiety finish

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3 thoughts on “It Gets Harder Every Fucking Day and I don’t Know How Long I Can Handle It!

  1. Great insight Neil, great to see how you worked through it and the tools you’re now making use of. Well done amigo, keep up the great work and the great writing too.

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