Time to close my eyes to the World

This is me, Neil Kelders, a picture taken less than one month ago. I’m attending an Improvisation workshop (anyone who knows Improv will know there is no hiding). Looking at it, I see how disconnected I am, I’m there in body, yes, but definitely not in mind. That day, shit, that day was a tough one, a very low day for me, a day of constant mini battles with depression. A constant stream of negative thoughts and images passing through my head.

This year, 2014, TWENTY ONE PLUS YEARS of battling depression had taken its toll. I was tired , I was done, finished.. it was time to go… Time to close my eyes to the world.

The Video Shocked ME!

I watched the video clip (Time to close my eyes to the world.) for the first time in months this week. It shocked me as to how flippant I was about ending my life, informing the camera that it is time to go. But you know what, that is where I was at, I felt I had exhausted all resources; internet research, some counselling, brief spell of medication, exercise, eating healthy, reading books – depression, mindfulness, listening to others tell their stories, the list of ineffectual resources seemed endless. Yes, I felt I had done it all and nothing worked. I still suffered badly from depression, not just for a day or two but maybe a week or two or longer. So of course, my ‘logical’ thinking told me,  ‘I gave it (life) my best shot, it is just not for me’. It came to the point where I was tired of NOT BEING OKAY, I JUST WANT TO BE OKAY!!

I equate my decision (that my life will end soon) to that of deciding not to continue a sport, or continue playing an instrument or not continuing studying a particular course. That is where I got to, I couldn’t go on, imagine to be free from this constant, energy sapping battle. PEACE!

Me Today!

We are now in December and 10 months have passed since I recorded the video clip, so that in itself is very positive. I am still here.
Am I depression free? NO. Will I ever be? I don’t know, maybe not but that doesn’t matter. What matters is how I manage it.
So what is different……why am I still here? There are many reasons, all of which I will explore as the weeks scream by (even looking to the future is something I never truly did), but the main reason is…….I’m fighting back!!! I am learning everyday how to manage it, it (depression) IS part of me but I will not let it control me any more, I can’t!!

It is NOT time to close my eyes to world, IT IS TIME TO OPEN MY EYES AND LET THE WORLD IN!

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10 thoughts on “Time to close my eyes to the World

  1. Living a life of compassion for yourself, your family and others through this medium should help. This sense of disconnection is one way. Your family feel connected to you with strong bonds of love that, if severed left painful chronic wounds that never heal. See yourself as a loved one sees you and fight this disease every way you can. It only allows negativity in and drains you of your energy and will for life. Apathy is a symptom. Not feeling pleasure or purpose is a symptom. This is not your character. You and your loved ones are worth it. If you need to rest please reach out and ask for help. Taking ones life only displaces the pain and amplifies it. If all you can do is stay alive and rest you are doing your best and your family will be grateful.

  2. I’m glad you didn’t close your eyes to the world Neil. I’m glad you’re still here. Best wishes and kind thoughts to you.

  3. An amazing message Neil which took guts to write , my dad also suffers and as a family we go through it together , keep on trucking

  4. Neil, you truly are so incredibly brave, to share your video took some courage, your an inspiration to others and thank goodness you found the strength to keep fighting x

  5. My god…u talk about this so openly… And how amazing u are for that Neil. I have experienced this myself on and off for some time, it’s an ongoing battle, but with support and doing what makes us happy I believe we can overcome. I wish I peace, joy, health and happiness neill..

  6. Thank you, being able to share what you going through,I wish my own much loved brother could have been able to share his pain with me.we lost him when “the pain of living was greater than the pain of dying” his depression, he kept well hidden. His loss we feel every day.

  7. A powerful honest piece. Each and every person goes through periods of not being ok and we must accept that this is part of life. People need to feel comfortable reaching out and people need to be there for each other. Take Care, Neil.

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